A New Day

focus on what?

2006-06-26T04:19:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in quite a while. Nobody reads it anyway so it doesn't matter. My birthday came and went. It was ok. not like the others. i went to jacksonville with him for the week. It was cool. no big deal. only a few of my friends remembered my birthday. The ones who count called. i was serenaded by smob. It was great. Making me smile even right now when I am feeling kind of down.

i don't know why i am feeling down. i feel really weird right now. i remember being blissfully happy not too long ago. What happened to that? I dont know. love and relationships kind of suck. the one that i'm in right now is ok. not the best. so how do you know when it is as good as it gets. when do you know. i am tired of trying to make life work. to make everything ok and to keep everything balanced and to make everyone happy. i'm quite tired. I pray and i pray for something. i just don't know what i need. i know what i want. i don't know what i need. what i want is usually not what is good for me.

i'm getting a little pudgier in the belly area. i have been feeling unsettled lately so i eat good food it makes me feel good. as a matter of fact, i am up at 530 am thinking about oxtails, shrimp and a pretzel from the mall with a lemonade. Yummy.

So should i tell him i love him. no. not now. he has to tell me first. i just want a nice normal life he is just always so preoccupied with his life. how do you deal with that? where do i fit into the gracious space. see his totally ignoring me right now. granted i did say something random that didn't make much sense to him. but it made sense to me. if he said something random to me, i would have asked him what he meant. but maybe he just wasnt meant to know.
i'm hongry!!! yup and i am going to have to have a cocktail or two before i go to the mall. i can't wait until it is time to get up. The baby is wearing 2T clothes now!!!

2006-05-03T18:39:00.000-05:00

I feel like my emotions are totally out of my control. I need to go to visit SMOB so that I can be drunk and high for a few days...straight. I am just out there right now. Floating around, being blown here and there by the wind. The wind is a lot of things. Flex, school. work, baby, mom, dad, baby daddy. I am just being tossed around by all of these entities. It makes me kind of crazy. And I can't help it. They all have to be dealt with. Well some have to be dealt with and some I choose to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to sit down somewhere and become invisible. Maybe have an out of body experience and just watch things happen. I pretend real well though. I'm good at it.

2006-05-01T13:50:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am holding my breath, holding everything in until it is safe to let it all go. And if it is ever safe to let it all go, I'm afraid I'm going to be a bubbling, babbling, gush of feelings.

here's mine

2006-04-23T00:32:00.000-05:00

1. How old were you the first time? 14
2. Name of your first- Johnny
3. Good or Bad? Don't remember the physical feeling. Just remember emotional feelings.
4. Name of the worst and why-Eddie Shannon. Too quick. Didn't really want to do it.
5. Name of the Best and why- Flex...just because
6. Wierdest place you ever had sex? A model home in a new housing development
7. Favorite position? laying on my stomach from behind, or with him on top.
8. Ever fake and Orgasm? Ofcourse
9. Would you admit it if the person asked? Maybe.
10. Favorite time of day to have sex? Right now, in the afternoon, after work, right before I take a nap.
11. Most times you have had sex in one day? Four
12. Same person? Yes
13. Ever fantasize about someone other than the one your with? Yes
14. Restrictions during sex? anal, any type of recording (video, audio, still pictures)
15. Accessories? Sure, why not.
16. What? Not sure, haven't tried any yet.
17. Done it in the rain? No
18. Done it in a car? Yes
19. Had a Threesome? No
20. Want to have sex now? It would be nice.

back home

2006-04-23T00:20:00.000-05:00

I am back. California was great. I was in a fairy tale for a week. Totally in love. (I know somemeofbeauty is rolling her eyes and shaking her head). But yes...totally in love....and hating it.

Anyway, I was reading SMOB's blog and she said a few things that made me laugh (as always) and made me think. The thing that made me think was:

"stop focusing on the facts and focus on the truth of Gods word. If we focus on the facts (which is a lie from the devil) we will fall into despair."

I think about God all of the time. I think about prayer and faithfulness. And I am confused. If God is going to do what He wants to do anyway, why do we pray for things. I think it's hopeless. It's ok to pray prayers of thanks and then just pray for God to have mercy on us, because we just have to hope the God feels kind enough to be nice and bless our sinning underserving selves. That is sad. The bible says "ask and ye shall recieve". But that is not true, is it? I know that bad things happen to good, praying, faithful people all the time. I just don't know what to do. It is crazy. I feel like I just wait around and hope that good things happen to me. I hope that God feels like being kind to me even though I don't deserve it.

SMOB also wrote
"people hurt you. Men especially. I dont buy the whole married with kids template that society pushes on us. So all my life Im supposed to work towards being sexy, smart, virtuous, generous, nurturing, strong, essentially perfect so that some man can look at me and say you know what youre okay, Im going to take you home and let you cook, clean, and raise our kids for the next 20 years as long as you keep it hot and freaky so I dont get bored and replace you with the next best thang."

Now that made me think. I am one of the friends who she is talking about who gets giddy about family dinners and vacations. And I wish I didn't. How do I change my desires. It is killing me. I wish I didn't care if a man cared about me. If I didn't care, life would be so much easier.

this is me

2006-04-05T21:04:00.000-05:00

Ok. Somemeofbeauty suggested that I evaluate who I am...without baby, without Flex, without any extraneous people. Just me.

I am a woman. Shy sometimes. Likes to socialize sometimes. Doesn't always want to be bothered. A little belly. Not skinny, not fat. Likes to primp. A little prissy. Pretty emotional. Educated. Successful. Focused. Don't like sports too much. Loves to dance and go out. Like to drink. Wine and martinis. Likes cartoons and Nick-at-Nite. Expresses myself best in writing. Often need a little while to collect my thoughts when I am upset. A bag of tears at times. Needs attention and compassion. Loves to laugh. Doesn't take much to make me laugh. Caring about people I love. Almost doting at times. Loves kisses and hugs and public displays of affection. Likes to sleep. Doesn't love to exercise unless I see the effects of my efforts. Impatient and impulsive at times. Likes to cook and be healthy. Sometimes wants to retain control of the situation. Enjoys reliquishing control to a man most times as long as he is respectful and doesn't take advantage. Not always perfect. Sometimes defiant. Don't like animals that walk. Fish are ok. Professional. Articulate. Sometimes indecisive. Loves natural light and sunshine. Not an outdoor person at all. Not a big fan of sweating. Loves flowers. Can be a bit moody. Depends on the day. Loves to smile. Loves being around people. Loves pregnant people. Loves teenagers. Extremely nurturing. Insecure sometimes, needs reassurance. Loves clothes and shoes. Loves to shop (by myself). Loves to eat in restaurants. Loves to read a good book. Addicted to email and the internet. Likes to crochet blankets for gifts when I have time.

To be continued

sigh...pout

2006-04-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

Drinking a couple glasses of wine. Mandisa was voted off of American Idol. The only black person left is Paris. Baby went to sleep at 8ish. Yay!! Now just thinking. Of what? Flex of course. I have so much work to do before I leave for CA. And I really don't feel like doing it. Hence the wine. Now I'm sleepy. Was watching ANTM. Called somemeofbeauty (during the commercial) to talk about crazy Jade and she didn't answer the phone. Hmmmmm. What was she doing?????

Anyway, I really need to talk to him. I need to know what is going on. I don't like this at all. I'm ok. Not mad or anything. Just up in the air. And I am not comfortable with it. So...

the talk revised

2006-04-03T09:27:00.001-05:00

Ok. I need to revise my thoughts. We are going to California, so I am going to talk to him after we get back because I don't want to ruin my trip.

Assuming that we have a good time in California, I think I want to say something like...

I had such a great time in California and things are feeling good right now, so I have to talk to you about somethings. You know. I think I get some mixed messages from you. Yes you do say that we are not in a committed relationship and that we are just friends. However, we act like we are more than friends. And you treat me like we are more than friends. I am asking for clarification because I have become really invested emotionally in you at this point, and I don't want months and months to pass and you decide that you want to focus elsewhere or have my focus diverted elsewhere because I am under the impression that we are not moving in the same direction. So what I want to know is that if I am labeled as a friend, and I know that you have other female friends, do you have any other "friends" like I am a friend to you. Also, considering my feelings about you, I am not clear about your feelings. You say that you want a wife. So, I want to know if I am just taking up time and space because this is cool for right now, until you find the person that you really want to be with?

You know, I would like to say that I do not need you to make a committment to me. But that would not be truthful. I am quite clear about what I want. As you are about what you want. When I care about someone, I tend to cater to their needs more so than attend to mine. But right now, I have to assert myself because I do not want to be in a situation where you just decide that the grass is greener somewhere else sometime down the line.

Now if I know him, he will say something like...I have been up front with you about the status of our commitment. So you are feeling and doing what you want to do with that basis. I am not misleading you.

And I would respond to something like that...

Well I also told you in the beginning that I was not interested in just a sexual relationship. And I agree that we should not force anything to be. But I am just letting you know that time has passed, feelings have developed and I feel that it is neccessary to clarify my position in your life at this point. Five months ago, things were different. This is just a reassessment.

the talk revised

2006-04-03T09:27:00.000-05:00

alone

2006-04-02T20:53:00.000-05:00

Thinking about being alone makes me sick. Physically ill. I feel like I can't breathe. I was told that I need to fall in love with myself, but I don't have any desire whatsoever to do that. I dont want to be alone. I don't want to be left when I am no longer wanted or useful. I don't want to feel like this. I just am nauseous about this. Absolutely miserable. What does it take. And if I ever do figure it out, I don't think that i will be able to do it. What is going to happen to me. Am I going to die feeling like something is missing? What do I have to do. It is easy to say just wait and be patient. But be patient for what. Being patient doesn't guarantee anything. It doesn't guarantee happiness. And neither does prayer. You can pray until you are blue in the face but God will do what He wants to do. Period. So what is the point. We just sit around in this world and wait for things to happen to us. And just deal with it. So what if you are dealt a hand that you don't want. What do you do? How do you become ok with your circumstances?

the talk

2006-04-02T17:51:00.000-05:00

I have to have a talk with him. So this is what I think I might say... Remember when we first started talking, you made it clear that we weren't in a relationship and you were not trying to make a relationship happen but if something developed then so be it. And I made it clear that I was not at all interested in a casual sex relationship and that I did not want a fuck friend or a cut buddy. And it was all good. Well now that some time has passed, we need to clarify some things. I am feeling a little weird now. In the beginning, letting things just be however the wind blows was fine. But you know that my feelings have gotten stronger. And I'm starting to care about what happens between us. It wasn't any big deal before. I guess I just need an understanding. I have not changed my mind about not want a fuck friend. To get right to the point, I want to know if you know now that this would not be more than what it is right now. Just like you know what you want, I know what I want. And if you know that I am just here to take up time and space until you find the person that you really want to be with, then this may not be a good place for me to be cause I care about you and when you do find that person, I will be left with not much. When there is so much up in the air, I feel confused and a little anxious because I have developed feelings for you. Look, I just want to know what I should do about my feelings now. I know what I want. I am clear about that.

not again

2006-04-01T19:23:00.000-05:00

I don't want to do it again. I don't want to love again. And get my heart broken again. Because I loved the wrong person again. And did stupid things again. Because I need to have someone's approval again. I don't want to do it again. I am a nice person. So I have a baby and that is not ideal. But I am a great person and someone who wants to work it out with me will put forth the effort to do so. The only problem is finding that person. So what if that person is never found. After the baby is grown up, I will be all alone. And that is not ok. I don't care what some self-improvement "expert" says. I will not be ok by myself. I want to be in love and I want to loved for whatever I am. I am feeling kind of like crap right now. And no one really cares.

2006-03-30T12:16:00.000-05:00

Ok. It's official. I am going to California with my man and his son and his friends family. After much confusion and procrastination, I got my ticket. So there's no turning back now. I decided to take my antibiotics for my sinuses now because some of the side effects may be vomiting, diarreah and nausea. So I don't want any of that in CA. I hope everything goes well.

California Dreamin'...

2006-03-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

So guess what????????? I was supposed to...well actually I invited myself on a trip to Los Angeles with Flex. And, to make a long story short, be both decided that it would be better if I didn't go. But......tonight when I was talking to him, he told me that he wanted me to go and that he thought I would have a good time. So I might be going to California (with my man...on a family vacation)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to be really calm. Lord knows I tend to get over excited sometimes. But I am soooooooo excited.

2006-03-25T14:26:00.000-05:00

Every now and then, I hear things that make me reflect or think about what is going on in my life presently. So when I hear these things, I am going to post them as reflections.

REFLECTION: You always have time to do what you value.

hmmm...what am I doing?

2006-03-25T13:21:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in class on this Saturday afternoon. I've been here since 8:30 am. Will be here until 4:30 pm. So I wake up this morning thinking about Flex ofcourse. And how much I miss him. And then I think about why I am getting up this morning to go to this class. I feel really weird. In a little while, I will be Dr. Allure. But what does this mean. I only have one more class to do and then my dissertation and I don't really feel like an expert in anything. I only have been working for years now. So maybe that is it. Maybe I need to just work a little bit more, get some more experience and see what happens.

But right now, I don't feel like I can be any phenomenal leader right now. I listen to other professionals speak, and I feel so ignorant sometimes. Not stupid, just not mature in my professional world. That effects my feelings of competence. I don't always feel like I have something of enough quality to contribute. I know that I have potential...I'm just not there yet.

Nor do I particularly want to conquer the world right now either anyway. My focus right now is elsewhere. I want to be in a meaningful relationship with a man. I want to have time and energy to raise my family. I want to take time to enjoy the people who I love. Maybe when these needs are being satisfied, I will be able to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

going crazy

2006-03-21T14:41:00.000-05:00

I am going abolutely crazy. He has me on this rollercoaster. I'm always trying to guess what's going on. How he's feeling. Before, I was just on top of the world and didn't even need my customary cocktail at the end of the day. But now...he is the reason why I need my customary cocktail at the end of the day. I am going crazy, I swear. I can't take this in limbo, kind of sort of, maybe maybe not, let's wait and see, hold my breath, don't blink too hard crap. Yuck.

feeling blah

2006-03-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

I wasn't feeling so great yesterday. And today is not much better. I am not feeling bad, just not feeling good. But I am supposed to get my period one of these days, so maybe that's why.

I was thinking yesterday about how I deal with people and I reminded myself of Julia Roberts in the movie "Runaway Bride". To make a long story short, in the movie her favorite eggs were always whatever was the favorite eggs of the current person she was dating. I don't know if its a stretch but I see the connection. Many times, I make myself think that I want what this person or that person wants because I don't want to ruffle feathers or cause conflict or dissent. I don't know. It's weird. But then I get sick and tired of it and it makes me miserable and then I become anti-everything because I am fed up. But then I choose to assert my independence over stupid, stupid stuff. For example. the other day, my mom asked me to fix a plate for James, and I said no (with an attitude). Not because I didn't want to, but because she asked me to. And yesterday, my grandma told me that I need to check my mailbox everyday. That it is important. And I told her that I don't check my mail because I don't want to. Not because I don't want to but because she told me that I need too. Then again, it might all be my period coming (I hope).

Somemeofbeauty mentioned a very valid list of reasons why she has not dealt with these trifling ass men lately. It is pretty funny. But unfortunately most of it is true. So what to do? How do you decide what to put up with and what not to tolerate?

Try again

2006-03-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

Ok. I am going to try again. I want to stop having sex. I am going to give it a good effort. I told him so we'll see how this works out. But my question is, what counts as fornication? Is there anything I can do? I am going to have to be creative.

Oh and I went to the gym last night. I did a kickboxing class. I couldn't do it the whole way through. But lots of people had to stop too. So I'm going back tonight to do a step aerobic class. I want to say bye bye to my belly!

This morning....

2006-03-09T23:30:00.000-05:00

This morning was great. So great that I called in to work because i didn't want to leave. And it didn't even involve sex at all! (Although that is also great in and of itself) This is what I wrote while I was under the drier at the hair dresser. (I'm sorry. I've tried but I don't have the balls to grow out my hair like somemeofbeauty) Anyway.....

When I woke up this morning, I saw your face. I stir when you get up to use the bathroom and I pray. I say a prayer of gratitude because I am there and my heart is content. You come back from the bathroom and lay down right next to me and I am touching your skin. And you pull me close to you and it is just so soothing. Especially at that time in the morning. I feel your skin and I know that I love you. You throw your leg across mine. And I hear you breathe. And it is so comfortable. There is something about that time in the morning when everything is quiet and you are so close to me. There is just a tiny bit of light peeking through the blinds. The tv is off. The computer is off. Everything is quiet and you are right there and everything is all right. And you may give me a kiss on the forehead or the cheek. I just love when you pull me real close like I can’t be close enough. There is something about that time in the morning that I love.

Oh. And I joined a gym. Let's see how that works out. They have childcare there so I don't have any excuse not to go.

In New York

2006-02-18T19:38:00.000-05:00

I am in New York right now. I am sitting on my best friends bed having a drink. My baby in sleeping next to me. And everything is great right now. I am really happy. :-)

what could be wrong

2006-02-15T08:43:00.000-05:00

Valentines Day ended up horrible. The person who I having been spending all of my time with and going out of my way to make happy did send me a dozen roses to my job but later told me that he made other plans. What the hell does that mean???? Whatever. We spoke, and to make a long story short, he said that days like Valentine's Day and birthdays and things like that are not important to him. So it didn't occur to him that I would want to spend the day with him. Whatever! That just sounds stupid. He also said that if I want something then I should ask for it. If he is willing to provide then good, if not, then too bad. (He didnt use those words, I just summarized the conversation)

Now what I don't understand is what am I doing wrong???? I try and put forth so much effort. I see other people happy in their relationships with men who love them and are sensitive to their feelings and treat them like they are special. I try to be the type of person that someone like that would want. So what is wrong with me. I don't understand. What else do I need to do? What more do they want? I feel so drained and tired. I am just tired and I just want to cry and cry. Because nothing I do matters. People still treat you however they feel like without regard to your happiness no matter what you do. It doesn't matter.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

I'm not so sure about what's going to happen tomorrow. I try to tell myself that I don't have any expectations. Because I shouldn't have expectations. I have a friend who makes it clear that we are not in a committed relationship. But we spend most of our time together and to me it seems that we are together. Or at least the situation is significant enough to want to be with him on Valentine's Day. I guess we'll see tomorrow if he does anything. I'm just keeping quiet and trying to be patient. I know that I'm feeling kind of down right now. Okay. I need to get a grip and wait until tomorrow before I start pouting.